Letters To The Wife

Oftentimes I try to think what I would say to his wife. Not in today’s time but in the future, when in my hope of hopes, we have all settled down and found our own destiny and are leading secure, happy, fulfilling lives. I mean, I also try to imagine what I would say to her now but I’d rather look forward, for now, for the both of us. Please let me indulge to imagine that I have actually done the right thing to finally pry myself away from this so-called relationship and found my own happiness.

Dearest ….,

Let me begin this letter by introducing myself finally to you. You know me by name but you never truly knew who I am. I am the other woman who loved your husband. My intent for this letter is to simply answer the questions you may still have in the back of your mind. You have dreamt about me and your husband being together back then, and we were. I loved your husband. He was definitely an important person to me.

I have to confess I wished I was the one whom he married. I was terribly jealous of you, did you know that? You have all the things that he was looking for in a woman he wanted to marry: someone who was kind, soft spoken yet strong, someone who cooked very well, someone who was basically a lady. Oh, and did I mention beautiful? I was so jealous back then that I wished I was you even though I didn’t even know you.

I knew from the very beginning that it was wrong to be with him. I was never completely happy because of that. I also knew that even though I loved him, I knew that he belonged to you. And I believe he knew it too. If he didn’t want to be with you, then he wouldn’t be with you. It is as simple as that. When I finally accepted reality, that was the moment I finally stepped back and let your lives run their true course together.

So trust him when he says that he loves you, he does. He worked so hard to build your family’s future, you should be proud of that. What is important now is that you have gone so far in life, and shared so many things together. You have both fulfilled each others’ dreams and goals.

I just want to tell you I am sorry for the mental and emotional hardship, if I caused any. I did not want that. I was just foolish and selfish.

Sincerely,
Larissa

I know this letter reads awkward but I’m just writing it as I think at the
moment. I know this will be one of the many letters I will write to her that she will never read. I know it will only cause grief if I ever did. I think this is one of those instances where ignorance truly is bliss. The tones of the next letters would differ depending on how I feel at the moment. Right now, I feel defeated, tired, and beaten, to have fought a war I was destined to lose. I definitely feel foolish.

Just Like A Pill…

I mentioned in my previous post that I am in the process of distancing myself from him. You may wonder, “What does this actually mean?”

Ever since his wife finally came here to live with him, probably after a hiatus of a couple of weeks, we still manage to find time to meet a few days a week. It may be for “breakfast” or lunch or both. I just felt happy to be around him again. It’s not a careless or worry-free happiness. The guilt of the act is very much present in my mind. Also, the worry of being caught is there. Not just because it will ruin my reputation, but his as well. He started his own business that practically depends on his public image. Yet, the joy of being with him does turn down the voices of the guilt and worry in my head. I love the man, no matter how wrong it is to do so. I feel connected to him. My day doesn’t feel complete if I don’t get to hear from him. As you can see, I am emotionally dependent on this guy, whether he deserves it or not.

So, how am I distancing myself from him? I am trying to reduce the number of visits we have in a week. When we usually meet 3 to 4 times for breakfast, I told him we are cutting it down to once or twice a week. As far as lunches are concerned, I eat more often at my work than I have lunch with him, which used to be almost everyday. You may think it’s nothing but you have no idea how hard it is for me. When they say it’s like a drug, I totally agree. Well, not that I would know how it is to be addicted to drugs, but you get what I’m trying to say.

Let me demonstrate just how difficult it is for me mentally and emotionally. We are now in the second week of change. Just yesterday morning, I broke down in tears when I received a text that we were not to meet that morning. I was thinking, “What the heck?! Why am I crying? I’m the one who wanted THIS!!!” Just the thought of not seeing him broke me down. It also angered me that he could make me feel like that. For someone who probably doesn’t care or know about the effect he has on me, letting him have that power is very dangerous. He doesn’t know what happened. I am to show an indifferent and cool exterior to him if I want this plan to work.

This is first and foremost for my sake. I need to find my own happiness. The worry and guilt-free kind. I’ve told him several times before I want and need my own. I’m tired of sharing. I told him that I finally know how he felt back then with me, before he was married. (Yes, that is another story.) Secondly, the wife is a very sweet and a very beautiful girl. The epitome of true inner and outer beauty. She deserves her husband’s full love and devotion. I’m sure they will have a long and fruitful life together.

Damn! I’m jealous. I want that…

A Silent Cry

Hello everyone. Well, now how do I introduce myself? I’m one of them… you know, “the other woman.” I’m sure you’ve met at least one of us before. Whether you’re aware of her status or not.

I’ve been the other woman to the man I love for the past 2 and a half years. The only people that know about our actual relationship are just me and him. When I met him, he was engaged to a girl he met at his hometown when he was a teenager. His fiancee still lived in his hometown, so they had a long distance relationship going on. I knew this when we met. Our mutual friends told me about it. Trust me, I didn’t care for him at all when I met him. Definitely not my type to say the least. Plus the fact that he had a fiancee… well you get what I mean.

I just shake my head when I reminisce about that first meeting. Why did I have to meet him?

For those who are thinking, “You’re just being stupid. Just call it off, you know better,” You are correct. You have no idea how many times I’ve said that to myself. I am currently in the process of distancing myself from him. I know if I don’t change anything, things will just continue going on as it is now.

Keeping this a secret for so long, I just need an outlet for me to express my thoughts and emotions. That is how this blog came to be. I long to scream at times when my emotions overwhelm me, but I can’t. This is my silent scream.